Have a laugh!

Posted as a tribute to Ken Dodd (courtesy 'Daily Mail') - 'I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.' - 'Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.' - 'It's ten years since I went out of my mind. I'd never go back.' - 'The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.' - 'You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox' - when he was still going strong at a show as it approached midnight. - 'I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.' - 'Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.' - 'It's a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed' - Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre. - 'The French didn't object to British beef in 1940.' - 'Honolulu: it's got everything: sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.' - 'Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese', on approaching his 80th birthday. - 'Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?'' - 'How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.' - 'How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows. It's never been tried.' - 'Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh.' - 'Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.' - 'My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.' - 'Love makes the world go round, or it does if you are a man over 50.' - 'My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'.' - 'So this fellow tells the doctor, 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks, 'What do you take?' 'Pepper'.' - 'I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girl friends suffered from asthma.' - 'An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in.' - 'The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.' He also even came up with a few quips regarding his famous tax fraud trial... - 'They stole that idea from me' - Referring to the Inland Revenue and self-assessment of income tax. - 'I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.' - 'In the 1800s, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was.' - 'I thought it would be a good idea to go into politics. Maybe I am a little old. but you know, I'd love to be Chancellor of the Exchequer. That way I'll be united with my money.' - 'Good evening, my name is Kenneth Arthur Dodd, singer photographic playboy and failed accountant.' When asked by the trial judge what it felt like to have a hundred thousand pounds stashed in a suitcase in his attic, Dodd replied: 'The notes are very light my lord.'

On this day 50 years ago, Tony Hancock took his own life - article from today's Independent Still well remembered as one of the best "Have you forgotten Magna Carta? Did she die in vain?"

2 tickets in a corporate box for the England v Belgium game - mate paid £500 each + flights but he didn't realise that it was going to be his wedding day! He is looking for someone to take his place. It's at Portsmouth Road Registry Office, at 4pm. Her name is Louise!

Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while attempting to steal it has been bailed.

What's the definition of an intellectual? Someone who can hear "The William Tell Overture", without thinking about "The Lone Ranger."

My neighbour recently invented a cold air balloon but it never really took off.

I was talking to my grandson (aged 11) the other day and with Christmas coming up I was him telling about how austere things were years ago and children were lucky if they got an apple and an orange. His response was "a computer AND a mobile phone"! I give up!!!!

Did you hear about the medieval prior who died from self-flagellation. The monks had a whip round for him.

Neighbour said to me, "My children keep finding their Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house. Someone suggested that I should just keep them in the attic. So I tried that last night, but their constant crying and whining kept me awake. All the "I'm afraid of the dark" or "I don't like it up here - there are spiders" really got on my nerves. Any other suggestions?"

From another forum: "Good deed done for the day - in the queue in Sainsburys this morning, there was little old lady in front of me, she had £24.50 of shopping but her card was declined! I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and after all it's someone's granny, so I helped her put it all back on the shelves."

I spent all week erecting a new fence in my garden. My neighbour commented on my Facebook page that it wasn't straight so I unfriended him. That's the last time he comments on any of my posts!

I was with a first date in a French Restaurant and I decided I would try to impress her with the French I learned at school. After a perfectly pronounced delivery, the waiter set off for the kitchen. After a few minutes, he returned and said, "Would Sir like to order now I have shut the door and opened the window?"

"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on me and my sisters". "He's not dead, just very condescending."

A Thesaurus is great. There are no other words for it!

A woman was at her husband's funeral. A man she did not know was sitting near her. He asked her if he could have a word during the service. The woman replied, "Sure." When the time comes the man stands up and says, "Plethora" and sits back down. The wife leaned over and said, "Thank you, that means a lot."