Have a laugh!

I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Little Johnny was late for school one morning and the teacher asked him if there was anything wrong. "My Daddy got burned this morning" he said in a sad voice. "Oh dear", said his teacher, "was he burned much?" "Well they don't mess about at the crematorium, Miss" he replied.

A man walks into a bar carrying a set of jump leads. The bartender says "Don't you start anything!"

I went to see a friend yesterday and I noticed he always had an empty milk bottle in his fridge. so I asked him why. He said he keeps it for anybody who wants their coffee black.

Golf spoils a good walk. Two boys saw a golfer miss a ball three times, one said to the other, perhaps he will lend it to us to play with, he's not using it.

When I was a kid we had an allotment and I once asked the old man who had the next plot what the difference was between a weed and a flower. He said, if you pull a plant up and it grows back again then it's a weed, if it doesn't grow back it was a flower.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker. He says to the barman, ''Blimey that must be one really clever dog''. ''Not really'' says the barman. ''Everytime he gets a good hand his little tail starts wagging''.

I'm guess many of you are familiar with LinkedIn - "a business and employment-oriented social networking service that operates via websites and mobile apps, mainly used for professional networking, including employers posting jobs and job seekers posting their CVs." This one (apparently local to Coventry) comes across as slightly amusing! Maybe not to be taken too seriously

Les asked his wife, if he died would she remarry? His wife thought about it and said "Well I suppose so". "And would you and him sleep in our bed?" His wife thought again and said "Well it makes sense" Les pressed on and asked "Would you make love to him?" "Of course" replied his wife, "as he would be my husband then". "How about my golf clubs?" asked Les, "Would you give those to him?" His wife shook her head and said "There wouldn't be any point, he's left handed".

A policeman stops a man in a car with a Siberian Lynx in the front seat. "What are you doing with that Siberian Lynx?" he exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the cat again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that cat to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"

Never Assume ..... His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.' 'Why?' asked the pilot. 'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.' The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me is . . . you're NOT my flight instructor?'

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one engineer , "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her handbag, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

I saw my mate Dave this morning. He's only got one arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Dave?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb." I laughed my head off and said "That's going to be a bit awkward, isn't it?" "Not really" he said. "I've still got the receipt."

It was so cold in London recently that politicians put their hands in their own pockets