Have a laugh!

A Blonde goes to Heaven. An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..' St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.' And the Blonde entered Heaven..?

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty. When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, never saw her once?.? I think she's lying. She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.

The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on sundial.

Lexophilia is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. # When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. # A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. # When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. # The batteries were given out free of charge. # A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. # A will is a dead giveaway. # With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. # A boiled egg is hard to beat. # When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. # Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. # Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. # A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. # When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. # The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. # He had a photographic memory which was never developed. # When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye. # Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. And the cream of the twisted crop: # Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end. ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN. IT IS CHEAP MEDICINE.

Hi all Ladies in the maternity wards are being advised not to eat "Marmite". Several have given birth to "Twiglets".

Commentator on TV said what a wonderful horse that was, bought out of a seller. Got several indignant letters, how cruel it was to keep horses in cellars.

As Christmas is nearly upon us. I have a little thought for you. Do you think Advent calendar days are numbered? My wife is fit and healthy but this year, I am getting her a false leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, Just a stocking filler. The case of the lost pound coin. I am buying my wife a new pair of shoes for Christmas, But have run out of money. The shoes cost £17 (yes, I know that's cheap.). So I borrowed £10 from my mum, and £10 from my dad. After buying the shoes, I had £3 left. So I gave mum £1 back, and my dad £1 back, making it that I owed them £9 each. The other pound I put in my pocket. But if you work it out, £9 + £9 + the pound in my pocket, it only comes to £19. So hence the case of the missing pound.

The inventor of throat lozenges has just died. There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

Some more bad 'uns (don't shoot the messenger! ) I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I could really see myself doing I've just been watching a concert with the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra. Halfway through the fella with the triangle disappeared "Hello, I'm calling from the anagram society about the job vacancy; unfortunately you'll have to rearrange your interview" "No problem, it's 'view true irony'" "Congratulations, you're hired!" I went to the gym today and asked the instructor if she could teach me to do the splits She asked me how flexible I was I said I can't do Saturdays

Phoned a hire company today and told them I needed a skip outside the house. The bloke said, "Well, carry on then, I'm not stopping you but be careful you don't get run over".

I wanted something to do in my spare time, so I rang up the local ramblers club. Don't they just go on and on and on and on and on...

Two Coventry boys were arrested by the police. One for drinking battery acid, the other for eating fireworks. One was charged, the other was let off!

A man came to my door today asking for a donation for the local old peoples home. So I gave him my husband.

A man walked into Fish Restaurant. "Do you sell shrimps?" "Sure, we serve anybody, sit down".

A friend of mine loves sea fishing. He told me he was on the pier when a big fish jumped out of the water and slapped him in the face. That's got to be codswallop, hasn't it.