Have a laugh!

That's one of my all-time favourite sketches - Eli Woods is excruciatingly funny and Roy Castle was my boyhood hero - that man could do virtually anything. He held two world records in tap dancing, could play any instrument (holding another world record for the number played in a minute, I believe), was great at sport, could do acting, singing, comedy..... and all with a huge smile on his face. But that box sketch is excellent, so daft but clever - and the simple way they synchronise "looking the wrong way" has me in stitches!

I don't usually post on here but I feel I should warn people, if you have a satnav that you can change the voice on, please do not use Bono from U2. I did this last week and now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

It was my own fault. I bought an old second hand sat nav. The directions were given by Harry Lauder. He told me to keep right on to the end of the road but the road had been made into a pedestrian precinct. The police wouldn't accept my excuse.

Someone stole my sat nav. My life now lacks direction.

I had a Bonnie Tyler sat nav for Christmas. It's useless. Keeps telling me to turn around and every now and then it falls apart.

A question for you all. Will my continental quilt still work after we leave on the 31st? Derek.

Yes Derek, but we'll no longer be incontinent

I don't find it at all boring having to stay indoors all day. But I really can't see why in two packets of identical rice one pack has 6453 grains and the other only 6439. I counted twice to be sure of the figures! Can anyone explain this weird discrepancy?

When the white coats have finished with Philip, they'll be round for you, sir!

I'm giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out all wrong. Should read...... I'm giving up. Drinking for a month.

Another poem for the times! This "poem" is VERY, VERY loosely based on a member of Godiva Harriers and the way he spent his time on long coach trips to athletics meetings - using rather firmer loo paper than you get these days! And (just in case you can guess who it was) he wasn't at all weird, a drip, a chump or introverted - and he didn't do the triple jump - it's all just for the poem! Hope you like it! Creative Uses for Toilet Paper I had a mate - oh, he was weird, especially on a trip! Until you got to know him, you would think he was a drip! His ginger hair, unruly, sort of gave the game away. If you thought he was a hippie, you'd not be far astray! I got to know him, years ago, when touring with the club. We'd sit together on the bus; swap stories at the pub. I ran the middle distances and he did triple jump, But other athletes in the club all thought he was a chump. He always dressed in denim, with big pockets in his shirt, And people thought that he was just a crazy introvert. Those pockets and his kitbag contained pens, of black and red, And toilet paper! Rolls of it! He must be off his head! He'd close his eyes, sometimes for hours, in a world just of his own, Then suddenly he'd come to life, and scribble something down! He'd edit it, and cross things out, and change the words all round, Then mumble to himself, while making tuneful humming sounds. The scribblings on those toilet rolls, he said, were just the start; The sketches for a masterpiece - his next great work of art. The lyrics usually come up first, then comes the melody. Then chord progressions - tricky things - a mystery to me! We parted ways; I often wondered if he'd make the grade, Those skills of his would never guarantee a well-paid trade. And surely writing songs could never pay the bills each week, So, while I liked the guy, I thought his future would be bleak! The years went by, and then one day, a red wine in my hand I watched a documentary on my favourite jazz big band. I watched the whole thing through, though it was getting rather late, And there atop the credits was, guess who - that's right, my mate! His haunting music took me back to those few long-gone years, When he would play his music as we'd polish off the beers. Then I went off to study and he went to Hollywood. Which of us, do you think, could say that we'd made good?

The Hypocritic Ode (with apologies to Hippocrates) I step up to the podium And view y'all with opprobrium I'm telling the nation to exercise restraint But rest assured that while you do - I ain't I'll sneak off to my second home Cause I was born to roam (apologies to Bruce Springsteen) I'm ENTITLED to itchy feet And that's why I've been indiscreet I'm off plebs and I don't care My lungs are full of fresh air Expelling my breath everywhere Visiting the folks - not seen 'em for a yare (posh speak for 12 months) My aim is to stuff the nation Travelling far and wide, whilst you've had to ration You're restricted "mileage" To me is so much silage As a minister of the Crown or as an MD of renown Too much "pressure" has made me act like a clown I've been on tour to avoid the lockdown Resulting in you giving me the frown But I know better than you do You've got no paper for your poo-poo And whilst your all forced to linger I've given the nation the Finger

The pandemic won't last for ever, so book early for your next cruise............. Truth in Advertising I've always hated adverts - exaggerations and deceits! But recently I found one that is truly hard to beat! My wife's been keen on cruises, since we'd chosen to retire, So, round the websites I went surfing to find one she'd desire. There are some magic places that the cruise ships take you to, Antarctica, the Rhineland or the west coast of Peru. But there's a rather special one that might have great appeal. Particu'ly for older folk who're seeking a good deal. The details on the website give the usual glossy blurb, And promise this experience would be more than just superb. They promise new adventures, with great hospitals to stay in, But wait, there's more, there's breathing gear you can spend your very last day in! And onshore trips designed to help you catch up with old mates, Particu'ly those who now reside beyond the Pearly Gates! A cruise to die for, you might say, at a price you can afford, So, get in quick, book early and we'll welcome you aboard!

Looked? out of the front window this evening and a crowd was gathering around a crashed motorcyclist. I dashed outside 'Let me through'. A ?woman at the front said 'Thank God, are you a doctor?'. 'No, that's my bloody piz?za'.