King Henry VIII Grammar School

As 'Piggy and The Beak' has not met with critical success at the Northern Hemisphere box office, it looks like it might have to close. However, in the true spirit of King Henry VIII School, circa 1960s - if the pupils are suffering, pile on the agony. This one is entitled "In which Piggy and The Beak solve a mathematical conundrum." The telephone rings in Piggy's office. Cursing to himself, he picks it up. It is The Beak. The Beak: "I have a very agitated Tramp Edwards with me, Deputy. He tells me that he has lost the binding to his Maths text books, each of which are very shortly to be distributed to the boys." Piggy: "How extremely unfortunate, Headmaster." Piggy: "A ball of string?" The Beak: "Exactly. Clearly, you are not a classicist, Deputy." Piggy: "Alternatively, Headmaster, I may have taken the ball of string in order to use some for a makeshift shoelace." The Beak: "Be that as it may, Tramp wishes it returned to him. When is this likely to happen?" Piggy: "How long is a piece of string?" The Beak: "I'd like an answer using fractions of an hour, not riddles, Deputy." Piggy: "I'd say one quarter, Headmaster." The Beak: "Very good. I'll send Tramp along to you as soon as he's cleaned his chalk dust from my office chairs, table, carpet, drapes, etc." The Beak put down his telephone. Piggy (in a grumbling tone) "What Tramp Edwards really needs to make a success of his venture is not string. It's rope - and some place to ...." The End In order to put an end to unhealthy speculation, I think Piggy meant "And some place to rope pupils into his experiment." You know what? I believe he found it! The Beak: "Indeed it is. Furthermore, he has explained his problem to me by drawing a Venn diagram. Frankly, this New Maths is all gobbledegook to a classically trained scholar such as myself but, basically, there are three intersecting circles. He is one, you are the other and the third is

"The telephone rings in Piggy's office" Oh dear, that brought back memories of someone tampering with the phone system. Piggy complained at morning assembly that it had cost him £10 (I think) to get it put right. Did he ever catch the culprit?

Did I dream this whilst gazing out of one of the classroom windows towards Freedom, or was there, at one time, a Batmobile parked at one the houses opposite the school, in Warwick Road? I can't stop chuckling. Surely it can't be true?!! I must have been reading too many comics at the time. Alternatively, was what I thought to be the boiler room actually the rear entrance to the Bat Cave? Hmmm.

Just in case the more mathematically inclined amongst you were wondering what possible common relationship there could be in a Venn diagram featuring Mr Edwards, Mr Shore and a Ball of String, the answer is "They could all - in their own particular way - tie you up in knots." (I thought I'd better get that gag in before someone else did!) To my surprise, there is a Wikipedia entry concerning New Math, which is, perhaps, worth a read. It says "The phrase is often used now to describe any short-lived fad which quickly became highly discredited." So, my "Piggy And The Beak" series is New Math. Well, well. Who would have thought?!

This is absolutely the last one! I have a preference for the following punch line for episode three of 'Piggy And The Beak'. Piggy (in a grumbling tone): I don't know. These mathematical types and their far-fetched ideas. What next? Let me guess. 'String Theory'. Ha!! The End

Yes...."Oh dear" indeed! Busted after 45 years! Here was the deal. There was a flight of stairs, near the library steps, leading to an attic where the Scalextric club had their quite impressive track built. We noticed a box on the wall up there and, on investigation, we found that inside it was a junction box for the internal phones. All the lines were labelled, so a few minutes with a screwdriver simply switched the lines around. For instance, Herbie's office was swapped with the school kitchen, Piggy's office with the groundsman's hut, and so on. It caused far more chaos than we dared hope. It was actually Herbie that almost exploded with rage in assembly and said how much it cost to put right. We couldn't see why they just didn't go and switch the wires back, a 5 minute job. Piggy was on the case, plenty of hot air and venom but he never found out who it was.

By the way, Inkers, your anecdotes have had me laughing too. I remember very well the distribution of Tramp's badly copied maths sheets. Kolisch would give out dozens at a time in a scene of chaos. Then he would give everyone a carefully measured piece of string to tie them all together. (He couldn't pronounce 'string', it came out as 'sring'. Keep 'em coming, Inkers!

Hello MisterD-Di, If one of your crew didn't remark "With this prank, we are crossing the line" I shall be very disappointed! Yes, those maths sheets didn't fare too well in my rucksack. My mother used to, kindly, provide me with a cordial-based drink, to help me through the day but, unfortunately, she supplied it in a very loose lidded tupperware-like container. Pretty soon, mine were very sticky and all coloured orange. I'm glad my stories have provided you with a few laughs, as hoped for. Given that you have asked nicely, consider the next one to be a made-to-measure offering!

In which Piggy And The Beak Chill Out in the Memorial Park. The Beak: "This bench here will do fine, Deputy. It will enable me to give the corns a rest." Piggy: "Very well, Headmaster. Look, I can see a D Di van parked over there! What do you say to an ice cream?" The Beak: "No, thank you, Deputy. The bread and butter pudding hasn't quite gone down yet." Piggy: "But that was served three days ago, Headmaster." The Beak: "I know. Can't shift the damned thing. And, believe me, it hasn't been for the want of trying." Piggy: "Ah - that would explain why the executive toilet has been permanently engaged." The Beak: "So much so that I'm thinking of turning it into my office. Might even put a telephone in there." Piggy: "Fat lot of good that will do you, Headmaster. Some scoundrels have tampered with them. I called you the other morning and it was ten minutes before I realised that I was talking to myself." The Beak: "I thought you always talked to yourself, Deputy." Piggy: "It was a matter of great urgency, as well." The Beak: "What was it?" Piggy: "The executive toilet has been permanently engaged." The Beak: "There is a roundabout in that nearby children's playground, Deputy. It is specifically designed to go around in circles. When I last checked, conversation is not." Piggy: "Well, I'm going to get a lollipop." The Beak: "These may be informal surroundings, Deputy, but I'm still to be addressed by you as 'Headmaster' - and never 'Pop.'" Piggy: "Yes, Headmaster. Are you sure you don't want anything? How about an ice cream cornet, topped off with lashings of syrup - of figs?" The Beak: "Good heavens!! Is that one of our teaching staff over there, Deputy?" Piggy: "Where, Headmaster?" The Beak: "Lying comatose underneath the oak tree." Piggy: "I don't think so. From my vantage point, it looks very much like an unfortunate, down-at-heel, inebriated dosser." The Beak: "Your point being---?" Piggy: "I'll go and check, Headmaster."

The Batmobile did indeed live at the somewhat strange looking house opposite the school on Warwick Road. Rumour had it that the guy bought it for his daughter. It was supposed to have been the original one that he bought when the TV series ended. He was meant to have plenty of money.

Bags, you have come to my rescue with your verification! Many thanks. I had a lot of self-doubt creeping in over that vague recollection. If I'd have said to a prospective girlfriend, during the 'getting to know' stage "And, at school, my desk had a view overlooking the Batmobile" I think I'd have had a tough time getting past the first date. For a number of reasons, come to think of it. So, a guy purchases a Batmobile - for his daughter. I've heard that one before. "It's for your birthday, darling! Unfortunately, you are only five, so Daddy will take it for a spin on your behalf." I wonder why he wasn't invited to bring it around to the school? I'm pretty sure both the Head and the Deputy were fans of the show, as they spent all day in their Bat capes. Nope. I just couldn't leave that one alone.

I am pretty sure the scenario you set out was the case. I think the daughter was under ten when he got it. I only remember ever seeing it out and about once going down past the Parkside(?) Garage. On a similar note. When I lived in Stratford in the early nineties, my best mate knew the guy who owned Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and he used to take it out regularly for a spin. Bit of a mindbender after a few bevvies in the afternoon and a Jazz Woodbine seeing that coming down the street towards you for the first time.

I'm loving these tales of Herbie and Piggy

Hello again Bags, I don't suppose your best mate knows the guy who owns the James Bond Aston Martin with the passenger ejector seat, does he? What wouldn't I give to have the use of that gadget for a few days. As regards Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I think we all know that the problem after a few bevvies is not so much seeing it, it's mispronouncing it with the conviction that we are the first to ever come up with the idea. Here speaks the voice of experience.

Hello Midland Red, Thanks for expressing your enjoyment of the entirely fictional, but based on actual people, adventures of Piggy And The Beak. I feel like I'm becoming the Hilary Mantel of our protagonists. I'm thinking of writing to Mark Rylance and Damien Lewis to see if they might wish to consider the lead roles in the inevitable television production, although I'm suspecting that Mark Rylance might make that strange 'crossing' motion with his arms when I offer him the role of 'Piggy'. (That will be entirely lost on anyone who dozed off whilst watching 'Wolf Hall'. And, furthermore, no one is going to admit to it!)