Have a laugh!

Since it started snowing all my missus has done is look through the window, if it gets any worse I will have to let her in.

I'm nearly crying with laughter here - sheer genius!

I know a guy who addicted to brake fluid. He says he's not because he can stop at any time. I am reading a book about antigravity. I can't put it down A dyslexic man walked into a bra....... I didn't like my beard at first - then it grew on me An insomniac, inquisitive agnostic sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog Broken pencils are pointless

How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change the bulb and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. What did St Patrick say to the snakes when he was driving them out of Ireland? Are yis alright in the back there lads? Always borrow money from pessimists, because they don't expect to get it back I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect, therefore, I am perfect Clones are people two

What did the person who invented the drawing-board go back to when he got it wrong first time?

Someone I know is buying her husband a wooden leg for Christmas. It's just a stocking filler, tho'.....

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last years riots, your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Scouse Vasectomy After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. And a less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me. ''Trust me, it will do the job", the doctor said. So off home he goes, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. Then he holds it up to his ear and begins to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Newcastle, Barnsley, Sheffield, parts of Coventry and Exhall and anywhere in Wales.

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About half way through, the wife leans over and says 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?' He replies 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid'

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.. Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built. Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I had a happy childhood. I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill. Those were Goodyears.

I have just heard that Justin Bieber has been arrested. About time too. I have always thought that his "music" was criminal

I rang up the local council to see if I could have a skip on my drive. The reply was" It's your driveway, skip on it all you like".

I don't need Google. My wife knows everything.

I have noticed looking along the threads of this great site that some people are not writing in Queen's English. Hence, i always goes before e. Except after old MacDonald had a farm.