Have a laugh!

I was reminded of a similar call to my previous post. A persistent kitchen salesman cold-called a lady and proceeded to give her a load of spiel about having a new kitchen fitted. She had already dealt with other cold callers in recent days and was becoming heartily fed up with them, so decided to hear this one out. After about fifteen minutes he got to the part about booking an appointment to measure for her kitchen, whereupon she replied "Well, actually I live in a caravan..."

Just bought a dog from the local blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

I'm sick of my neighbour. He came round shouting and banging on the door at 2am today. Luckily I was up practising my bagpipes.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy calls the emergency services. He gasps ''I think my friend is dead!! What can I do?'' The operator says ''Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he is dead''. There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says ''Ok, now what?''

Two rednecks were out hunting, and as they walked along they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at the size! The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says," I don't know. Let's throw somethin' down there, listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "Hey, there's an old automobile transmission over there. Give me a hand, we'll throw it in and see." So they picked it up, carried it over and counting one, two, three, heaved it into the hole. They were standing there listening, looking over the edge, when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole and, without hesitation, jump in headfirst! While they stood there staring at each other in amazement, peering into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walked up. "Say there," says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' bout a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this here hole!!" The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission".

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London. Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of doze and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us. I'll put on my best English accent." "Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business" said Mick. They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will." The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners."

A man knocked on the door of a psychiatrist at midnight, and says to him "Can you help me, I think I'm a moth" "But what brings you to my house at this late hour" "Your light was on" says the man.

A guy hears a knock at his door. When he answers it, there's nobody there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. Frustrated, the guy picks up the snail and hurls it into the street. Five years go by, and there's another knock at the door. The man answers it, and again there's no one standing there, but there's a snail on the welcome mat. The snail looks up and says, "What was that all about?"

England's footballers visited an orphanage in France yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad faces, with absolutely no hope" said Pierre, aged 6.

The Queen and David Cameron are on the same stage at Jubilee in front of a huge crowd. The Queen leaned towards Mr Cameron and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Cameron arrogantly replied, "I seriously doubt that, with one little wave of your hand you could do all that? Show me!" So the Queen, with one swift wave, back-handed him in the mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a tea-bag and England? A: A teabag stays in the cup longer

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency. Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability as parents. The couple produce photos of their 45 foot Class A Prevost coach, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would receive. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects, plus French and Mandarin languages and computer skills." Still, the social workers have doubts about raising a child in a circus environment. "We have arranged for a nanny who is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet." Finally, the social workers are satisfied. The adoption agency asks, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" "It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon"

Does a one-legged man wear a pant and a trouser?

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works - then it struck me

Bloke goes to Lord's for the Test match, England v Australia. Next to him is an old man who appears to be on his own, and then an empty seat. Curious as to why a game that sold out months ago has an empty seat, he asks the old man if someone is joining him. "No", says the old boy. "That was supposed to be my wife's seat, but she's passed away. We came to every Test match here for 40 years, and these were always our seats. This is the first time I've come without her." "Oh, I'm sorry" says the man. Then he thinks and says "But couldn't you have brought a friend or family member with you instead?" "Unfortunately no," says the old man. "They're all at her funeral."