Have a laugh!

Well, Dreamtime, you did ask .... GUIDE TO USING DRIVE-THROUGH CASH MACHINES Please note that with the arrival of the new "drive-through" cashpoint machines, customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To help customers use this new facility, certain procedures have been drawn up. Please read the procedure applying to your own circumstances.(i.e. MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the new machine for the first time. MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Wind down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN 4. Enter amount of cash required. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Wind up window. 7. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with machine. 3. Re-start stalled engine. 4. Wind down the window. 5. Search for the handbag 6. Remove all the contents of handbag onto the passenger seat and locate card. 7. Attempt to insert card in machine. 8. Open car door and lean across the gap in order to access machine. 9. Insert card. 10. Remove card and insert right way up. 11. Rummage through handbag contents on passenger seat to locate diary. 12. Enter PIN 13. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN 14. Enter amount of cash required. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Locate purse and place cash in the appropriate section. 17. Place receipt in back of cheque book. 18. Return all handbag contents to handbag. 19. Check hair in rear view mirror. 20. Drive forward 2 metres. 21. Reverse back to cash machine. 22. Retrieve card. 23. Re-enter handbag, locate cardholder, place card into slot provided. 24. Re-start stalled engine and pull away. 25. Drive for one to two miles. 26. Release handbrake. Ooh, I can just imagine what all the male Forum members are saying after reading this !

This should give a few of you a good laugh - it came to me as an e-mail: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book about things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What is your Date of Birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What Year? WITNESS: Every Year. ATTORNEY: How old is your Son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your Memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your Memory? WITNESS: I Forget. ATTORNEY: You Forget? Can you give us an Example of something you Forgot? ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn't know about it until the next Morning? WITNESS: Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam? ATTORNEY: The Youngest Son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ATTORNEY: Were you Present when your Picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me? ATTORNEY: She had three Children, Right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were Boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any Girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney? ATTORNEY: How was your first Marriage Terminated? WITNESS: By Death. ATTORNEY: And by whose Death was it Terminated? WITNESS: Take a Guess. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your Autopsies have you Performed on Dead People? WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones Put Up Too Much Of A Fight. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the Body? WITNESS: The Autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was Dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. And Lastly: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Autopsy, did you check for a Pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood Pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for Breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the Patient was Alive when you began the Autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his Brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and Practicing Law.

Read this one today, made me laugh. I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hi! how are you?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to?" I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!" From next door, "Can I come over?" Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

Paddy and Mick are reading gravestones. "Jesus, look at this fella Paddy, he was 136!" "What was he called?" "Miles from Dublin."

He he eh I will get my own back one way or another Roger so watch it 'Mate' Avaguden!

Have a laugh folks: A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were sexy and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before.

And another one ..... A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Brian . He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian , every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ...." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his b*****y widow."

Kevin had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.... Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?' Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??

Hi all A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" Neighbours feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?" (HERE IT COMES!!!) The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down... and I know he won't ask for directions."

Senior Texting Codes (perhaps this should go in When you Know you have got Old !!) Young people have theirs... Now us Seniors have our own texting codes: * ATD - At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low * GHA - Got Heartburn Again * HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement * LMDO -Laughing My Dentures Out * LOL - Living on Lipitor * OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas * TOT - Texting on Toilet * WAITT - Who Am I Talking To? ***** Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Hi all Andy Capp was standing on a pub trap door, saying, that he wished the ground would swallow him up.

'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.' 'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?' 'You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.' 'The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. 'How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?'

I thought you may like my book list: Blown around the world by Gustav Wind How to stay drunk by Juan Toomenny How to stay healthy by Michael Esterol Sitting down all day by Stan Dupp Healthy Eating by Tina Tomatoes Taming big cats by Claude Balls It's that time of year again by Mary Christmas How not to fall off your bicycle by Hans Free Too much to drink again by Sigovia Carpet The man who couldn't sit still by Bob Uppandown Another Tsunami by Dez Aster Looking through the window by Annette Curten The Bottom of a Cliff by Eileen Dover Riding for Fifteen Years by Major Bumsaw Flushing Waters by W C Chain A Walk in the Woods by Teresa Green Fishing for a Living by Wendy Boatcumsin A Question of Money by Emma Chisett Vegetarianism by Egbert Nobacon A Dangerous Journey by Helen Back Flying a Plane by Joyce Tick How to rob a Bank by Andy Cashover Teen Matrimony in China - Way Tu Yung How to win the Race by Betty Don't Don't Touch My Body by Hans Zoff Angels on Horseback by Evan Sentus How to clear your debts by Owen Munny Why I hate the Japs by Pearl Harbor Asian Food Flavouring by Gobinder Curry The Book of Wales by Martha Tidfil

And another one ... Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor 'phones and says "Paddy, you realise you've got sugar diabetes." Paddy says, "Nice one, when do I fight him?" It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about. A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that's when it all kicked off! Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!" An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Red Rum" he replied. "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That's easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!!" Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years." His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!" Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!! A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?" The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient". A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

I wasn't sure which thread to put this under, so I opted for this one as this quite amused me. I read about a cold caller from a company who sold conservatories. The person she called was sick and tired of receiving these calls, so decided to get her own back. The salesperson went on and on about how wonderful their conservatories were, and could someone call around and discuss one with her, and could they send a brochure, and then spent ages describing their advantages. The lady pretended to be really interested and the salesperson got quite excited about a possible sale. After about twenty minutes of sales talk, the lady said to the caller, oh your conservatories sound wonderful, but how would you fit one as I live in a flat on the third floor! The phone was slammed down.