Have a laugh!

Man had a blister on his chest. Doctor gave wife some ointment to put on his chest. Fortnight later there was no effect. Doctor asked wife if she put the ointment on. "He hasn't got a chest, so I put it on his large box".

Ed Balls was reflecting back to his days as Chancellor of the Exchequer in the Brown Government and the impact it had on his family life. ''I devoted myself to keeping our economy on track", said a dewey eyed Ed, "90% of my time was spent at the Treasury. I could only give my family the remaining 25% which I deeply regret''

This chap was watching Paddy laying slabs, and Paddy jokingly says, "Are you looking for the start mister?" The chap replied, "Dear me no, I work in engineering and work to tolerances of a thousandth of an inch". Paddy replied, "You would be no good for us then 'cos these slabs have to be dead on".

A Coventry fellow sees ad in Evening Telegraph - car for sale £5 - so he goes to the address. Woman says 'Yes, it's in the garage'. All there is is a brand spanking new Jag. 'Lady, there's only a new Jag in the garage'. 'Yes that's it'. 'For £5?' 'Yes, take it away and sign this a slip of paper. My husband's run off to America with a younger woman, he wrote and asked me to sell the car and send him the money".

There's only 3 types of people in this world. Those that can count and those that can't.

Or as politicians would have it - those who count and those who don't. They regard most of the electorate in the second category.

As my dad used to say, ''A fine pair you three are if ever I saw one''.

A couple were out shopping when suddenly the wife realises her husband is missing. So she phones him. "Where the hell are you!" Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop with that diamond necklace you loved and I didn't have the money to buy it for you but said one day it will be yours." With a smile she blushed. "Yes, I do I do I do" she sighed. Husband: "Well, I'm in the pub next to the shop".

A tourist arrives at Athens airport Customs officer: "Name?" Tourist: "Angela Merkel" Customs Officer: "Nationality?" Tourist: "German" Customs Officer: "Occupation?" Tourist: "No, just visiting this time"

A monkey walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender says no, and the monkey leaves. The next day, the monkey returns and asks, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender again says no, and the monkey leaves. Two days later the monkey returns, walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any bananas?" The bartender, losing his patience, screams at the monkey, "I told you monkey, I don't have any bananas and if you ask me again I will nail your paws and tail to the floor!!" The monkey looks startled and leaves. Two days later the monkey returns, walks up to the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender replies, "No," and the monkey says, "Good! Got any bananas?"

Just gets better and better. Kaga.

Well, what do YOU think? The Germans have been the butt of light-hearted British jests for years. But one gag about our fellow Europeans has helped a stand-up comic scoop the prestigious award for telling the funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Darren Walsh, 39, won the prize for his one liner: 'I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free'.

'Are they for before and after dinner?'

The sharing of marriage..... The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered, 'THE TEETH.'

Boxing Day Wife: "I'm disappointed with my present" "Oh! why?" "I really wanted a Toy-Boy" "Well, if you had hung up your bloomers instead of your stocking, you may have got King-Kong"