"Burglar Bill" and other old tales of Radford

Remove it? Not on your life, funniest thing I've read for a while!

In answer to your question ,have I mellowed ? The sad answer is " yes" I now make Model Steam engines and locomotives I had my own business after leaving Bt 27 years spent in semi retirement. Lol. I have now retired fully , I have Grandkids so not a real retirement work now more than I ever did before. Love em to bits. I do have a few more stories to tell some you may find harrowing somewhat . I am so glad you like them and I like your responses. All the Best.Colin. Edited by TonyS, 28th Aug 2012 6:07 am (Formatting adjusted)

Glad you thought it funny Tony, it hurt lol. I tried to keep the wording within the decent realm and the fact you did not consider it offensive, well that will do for me, thanks. Colin. Ps you will let me know if you think my posts become a bore or not appropriate .

Having just come back from holiday in Spain Colin I am just catching up on all of your childhood escapades, they are hilarious. Dream time is right it would make a great book, let me know when it's published lol. Keep on with the funny stories we all need a good laugh.Jan

You may find this a tatge funny. As a young boy I had a Dog, it's name was Patch, Did I love that Dog? I walked him everywhere, he was a bit of a scamp, for some reason he loved to chew shoes, as you can imagine my Dad was not too chuffed. He chewed his new slippers twice and his best shoes not to mention the other items left around the house ( he was a Dog what did he expect?) we named the Dog due to his patchy markings, (what a big mistake that was ) not too sure of the breed but I think it was a Boarder Collie cross. Mum and Dad had booked an holiday to Ramsgate for two weeks, I of course was to accompany them as I was too young to be left at home, my elder brother was to stay at home as he was at that age where it was un cool to be holidaying with ones parents. This was also good for me as he could look after Patch. On our return some two weeks later the first thing I wanted to do was too greet my Dog and fuss him. "Where is my Dog? I asked" My Brother replied, "He was here a while ago but the gate was left open by the window cleaner and he must skipped out" " I will go and find him " I said. Walking the streets and calling my Dog " here Patch, hear patch "I cried, it was no good he had gone, over the next few days I would go out on my bike looking for him. I Posted notes on various lamp posts. My Mum, Dad and Jimmy did not seem too be interested. Walking along Links road I began calling my Dog, just in the hope he would reappear. But what did appear from around the corner scared me big time. Just in front of me and walking towards me was a big man and did he look tough? As I scanned upwards from his feet I could see he only had one eye , the other eye was covered by a (yes you guessed it) Patch, and me calling out "patch , here Patch" somewhat vexed the man, he shouted some abuse and began to give chase, he ran, I ran (could only happen to me) I out ran him easy as he was not to fit. (phew that was a close one) after many nights crying myself to sleep I gave up on poor ol Patch. Did he get run over or stolen? I will never know, well I know now. On a visit to my Brother who now lives in Bromyard, he was instructed to get Patch destroyed while we were away and pretend he had been lost(they thought it would be better than telling the real story, Thinking un-knowingly it was the kindest way, it sure prolonged my agony that's for sure). My Brother who is over 70 now had kept that secret for over 50years being told by my Dad never ever let on what had happened, While Jim was telling me this he was in tears, Dad should never have burdened him with that promise. All forgiven. See not always my doing. Colin.

Oh Colin, I laughed then nearly cried with that one because we have always had a dog during our married life. At the moment we have a little maltese terrier and he has a character of his own as I reckon all dogs do. I was sorry to read you lost your dog and how upset you were nobody deserves that, but you were forgiving and I could never have kept a secret like that. Thank you for that story.

What wonderful stories Colin. They really make me laugh - I did feel sorry for the dog though!

Many thanks Tricia, makes it all worthwhile if I get feed back, well positive feed back anyway. Some of the stories would make Horrid Henry look like a Saint. When I look back and realise how lucky we were, it's an unfortunate string of events that gave us the best playground any Child could wish for, I refer to the second World war. Derelict and half bombed buildings, underground Shelters, an abundance of War Ordnance not to mention the abandoned military Ambulances (as you may recall I lived near a Scrap yard) the most usefull War cast off was the Greatcoat , if it was not for the Greatcoat on my bed I would have frozen to death, we were told never to call it a greatcoat but an eiderdown ( well I can tell you, my eiderdown had sleeves in it) I remember Frost being thick on the bedroom window, I am talking about the inside of the glass, depending on how bad the Frost was, governed how much of the window you could see out of. Bad Frost, no see out of the window. A bit of an insight ,more to come. Thanks again. Colin

Hi Colin, I well remember the Greatcoat on the bed, it weighed a ton. Mum also used to make patchwork quilt bedspreads out of old coats. I also remember lying in bed looking at the patterns 'Jack Frost' made on the inside of the windows, and dreading getting out of bed and putting my feet on the cold lino. Mum also used to make rag hearth rugs for the living room. Happy days.

It's funny Tricia how we get a memory job and it all comes flooding back. You are right, Happy Days. Bit glad we have double glazing now though. Colin

It just would not be right if I did not devote a page to my uncle Burt Stafford. I thought the world of him. He must take some of the blame for some of the things I did and I have To say he should have know better. He out shone me in the realms of stupidity more than once, but the best of all and the most dangerous thing he did was ... I will tell you. Some of the older people reading this will have heard of Carbide (Carbide was a compound used quite a lot by our forefathers.) not too sure on this one but from what I remember they were sold in wraps and were placed in a Carbide lamp filled with water, leading from the Carbide container was a small pipe, with a control knob to regulate the flow / brightness of the lamp. When Carbide is placed in water the Gas given off is called Acetylene ,a very volatile gas which combined with Oxegen became explosive. So to continue the story, getting cocky now lol. I was playing in the garden when my brother came to fetch me, " come with me " he said , " you just have to see this " he was laughing so I followed him to the main road , I spotted my Uncle with a group of on lookers. " now watch this" my brother said, I watched my uncle throw a lump of something ( I now know it was Carbide) into the drain at the side of the road, not too sure how long we waited but after a while my Uncle told us all to stand back at that point he threw a lighted match into the drain, he then stood back . A loud boom was heard and then a flame roared out of the drain reassembling the after-burner on a jet fighter, wow we all stood in amazement and began to laugh, " do it again " we shouted, he did it again and again until, yes you guessed it, something went wrong. What my Uncle had not reckoned on was that the drains were all connected via a main drain in the middle of the road covered by a Man hole Cover. He decided to have one last go, checked to see if the coast was clear the lit the match threw it in the drain,it exploded in the same way as before. But then we began to hear secondary explosions and we could see flames coming out of the other drains further along the road and with one almighty bang the central Man Hole Cover shot into the air ( this being the only cavity enclosed) no where to go but up. We stud by in amazement and shaking , what next? The cover returned to ground spinning off down the road now being chased by my Uncle, should I cry or laugh? Well he rolled the cover back into place with no damage done although it did stick up a bit after that. All the on-lookers had gone by this time fear for their lives I think. It made us smile later , poor ol Uncle Burt was shook up but after a visit to Dr Atkinsons (the Radford Pub) he calmed down a bit .that story was banded about for a long time after that and because Thay had seen what Had happened I think it put off any would be attempts to replicate what my Uncle had done, So maybe you can see where I attained my way ward skills , from my good ol Uncle Burt (RIP) . To his credit he was a great welder and I say we, but really it was him built a static steam engine powered by Coal Gas and built out of motor Bike parts but that's another story. The Steam engine he built has long gone so I have built another engine and bearing his name, in is honour.This engine is to be my Grandsons when he can explain to me how it works. So I hope you enjoyed. Colin.

We sure did, thanks once again. What a pleasure to attend the evenings entertainment on this forum. What with Rkid's stories and Dutchman's endless knowledge of everywhere under the sun, and the entertainment is FREE also I am nibbling on a packet of crisps whilst doing it !! (although we call them 'chips' here) Edited by TonyS, 28th Aug 2012 6:04 am (Formatting adjusted)

just thought you may have been interested in seeing my dedication to Uncle Burt( spelt Bert) this Engine does not resemble Burt's engine . My Uncle was never privy to the type of equipment I have been able to amass. He never had a permanent dwelling as such.

Well, Rkid, that look like a clever work of engineering to me but I have to say I am only a mere female. The only construction I ever attempted was some Meccano with my son, and daughter Tracie loved her Lego which I know as been mentioned on this forum before. Nice one Rkid. Edited by TonyS, 28th Aug 2012 6:03 am (Quote unnecessary)

The gas pipe. This may make you smile, talk about Bad luck and a comedy of errors. My first job when arriving home from School was to light the fire (my age would be about eleven) my Dad thought it time I could be trusted, talk about being misguided anyway what I had to do was rake the ashes, collected them and then dispose of them in the dustbin, this I did but soon got to thinking ,why remove debris that would soon be burned, or so I thought . I just raked the ashes relaid the fire and lit it, the fire soon took hold and I began to throw Darts at the dart board situated next to the kitchen door which was always open. It was not long before I got bored, a quick check of the fire to see if it was burning ok , all ok. I then began to fool around throwing the darts, "I'll throw this dart like a gun slinger from the hip" I said, next i thew it like a Cricketer, over arm I must have tried it always until the unthinkable happened I missed the dart board completely (nothing new there, missed it many times before) not only did I miss the board I missed the complete wall passing through the doorway the dart managed to find the lead Gas pipe running down the wall on the far side of the kitchen ( the kitchen was only about ten feet across. Panic set in, what do I do now, I did the most stupid thing you could do, I pulled the dart from the gas pipe, now I could hear the hiss as the gas began to escape, omg, what will I do ? I ran to both the abutted houses either side of us to seek help. No one at home. I now feared for the life of our cat with three Kittens, she was under the stairs in the coal hole. I ran back into the house then into the kitchen, the gas smell was getting worse I opened the door to let the cat out but she did not wish to move (protecting her Kittens) I had only one option, drag the cat along with her kittens using her bed as a litter. This worked ok the I shut the door behind me feeling pretty good having saved the cat, a feeling that did not last very long. I now could do nothing but wait for my dad. Only a few minutes later I looked to see smoke billowing from the chimney, well at least I did that right. Sheer horror struck me, the fire! Oh no the fire was raging in a gas filled room! This is where I did my next stupid move , I ran back into the house, filled a bowl of water and proceed to extinguish the fire ( found out later the fire would have burnt most of the escaping gas and should not have caused any problems but I did not know that) at this point it dawned on me that I should have cleaned out the ashes. The water poured out over the carpet and with it was carried the ashes and soot , could it get any worse? The answer to that question is, yes it did, big time. The fire had now gone out in a cloud of smoke and steam that filled the room, as the room was still filling with gas I had option but to vacate once again. I waited for my Dad to come home for work ,it seem like an eternity. but in real time I guess it was not too long. He came up the path to be greeted by my and the Cat plus the three kittens. "Dad" I shouted, "we have a gas leak in the kitchen " I told him what I had done and begged him not to go in the house as it was too dangerous . He did no more than open the door walk in, turn off the gas, open all doors and windows walked across the sodden carpet making tracks as he went. "why did you remove the dart? you idiot" I could not answer but after reflection it seem such an obvious thing to leave the dart in and their by sealing the hole. Durr ! We started to clean up after the smell had almost gone. Dad the softened a lump of soap and bunged up the hole. Now why did I not think of that? During the clean up we nipped outside for some fresh air, Dad Asked me " so who had the Bugie? Did you leave him next door? Budgie! ," what bugie" I thought ? Oh no the BudgieI remember now it was on a table in the kitchen next to the gas pipe almost. We both looked at each other, then we both ran in to find him brown bread on the floor of his gage. "Your Mum is not going to be happy! and what happened to the carpet"? he remarked after I told him what I had done I then got a slap round the ears. I am sure my Dad was trying to find something that I had done right, it was not a good day for me, that day. I hope you all enjoy having a laugh at my mis adventures. I did not go out my way to make trouble it just seemed to follow me. I was forever thinking of excuses that would could hole water. I have to say, One thing my ol Man was good at was sussing me out he used to say " Son, if you are going to tell lies the you had better have a good memory" how true is that statement? Still here to tell the tale. Colin.